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Napkins


If sit down at the table to eat, I’m going to use a napkin. The only meal for which I don’t use napkins is when I eat lunch at work, which is only because I eat a sandwich and chips everyday, which even I can get through without a loss of dignity. Otherwise, if I use one napkin in a meal, I will inevitably need three more.

I have a serious addiction to napkins, and I’ll give you reasons for this.

1) I need at least one napkin for my hands. I don’t like getting stuff on my hands. Especially when I eat pizza. There’s a pizza place in town—Roma’s—and they serve the best pizza. (I’d say it’s a bit greasy, but I already said it was the best and I don’t want to be redundant.) Anyway, when I eat at Roma’s, I get a medium sausage and mushroom pizza and about fifteen napkins because I am constantly wiping my hands. And yes, I get it. I’m more than a little be neurotic about this.

2) I frequently use a napkin to wipe my mouth, even though I’m going to go right back to eating, which will inevitably lead to more food getting on my face. You see, I had my four wisdom teeth cut out two years ago, when I was 33. Because I was so old, my nerves haven’t totally healed and may never totally heal, leaving a small part of my lower lip permanently numb. As a result of this loss of feeling, I’m constantly getting sauce or whatever on mouth or upper chin and not noticing it. To combat this, I’ve developed the rather silly habit of wiping my mouth all the time, which means that I need another five or six napkins.

Given all of that, I hope my napkin expertise is clear to you because I’ve got some frustrations with a particular paper product that often rears its head in the holiday season: party napkins.

Who decided that these were a thing? Napkins, but for parties! They are the worst. They are waxy pieces of paper that cannot really absorb anything. Plus, they are much rougher than regular napkins so that wiping one’s face, as normal people do frequently in a single meal, becomes far more painful than should be possible.

No one needs a piece of party decor to wipe their hands on after eating one of your mom’s buffalo wings. Seriously, party napkins are pointless. If you want to have a good party, give your guests a napkin that won’t force them to embarrassingly wipe their hands on their pants or on your couch. (I have never done either.)

Whether it’s a graduation party, kid’s birthday, or a holiday gathering with those not-so-fancy but still not useful red and green napkins, there’s no point to any of them. Party napkins are so bad…that…they defy normal adjectival descriptors. You, dear reader, deserve an example!

Observe here, a screenshot of a trash can from the holiday favorite Home Alone.

Hurled into this trash can is young Kevin McAllister’s airplane ticket, mixed up with a bunch of party napkins that had been used, unsuccessfully, to clean up some spilled milk, following some not-so good-natured bullying from Buzz to Kevin. In fact, just after the camera shows us Kevin’s ticket in the trash, another handful of milk-soaked party napkins will be thrown on top.

Do you realize that if the McAllister’s had gotten of their bourgeoise high-horse and bought some generic white napkins at Walmart or Dollar General they would have been even less likely to have left Kevin behind as they would have had his ticket with them at their airport. (Yes, there were other factors, but this plot is like a recipe and each ingredient is key.)

Please, don’t risk your party guests having dirty hands. Don’t force them to wipe their mouths with napkins that are one-third plastic. Don’t risk leaving your youngest son behind while taking an international trip.

Don’t buy party napkins.

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